Blog Avoidance

Dear Blog, I can avoid you no longer. You have been many things to me, a friend, a fun place, a way to connect with other people and probably most recently and most importantly a place to process my emotions. Ugh.

I have had blog avoidance since the summer, so many things have happened that I was not prepared or ready to deal with, that's the reason for the long absence. I could not come here and pretend that a whole bunch of crappy, heart crushing things did not happen. I couldn't come and post funny pictures and tell funny little stories about the day-to-day things because life's circumstances were weighing heavy on my heart. So here we go, turn the page if you're here for fun, this is messy life stuff but it must be done.

I made my pilgrimage home to British Columbia this summer, the purpose was to see my grandmother and for her to meet my children. The whole trip was fraught with difficultly and deep disappointment. My grandmother has always been a very special person in my life and to see her distraught and disconnected from life was more than sad, it was tragic. It may in fact be the last time I see her which makes it all the more tragic. I so long for the days when it seemed we had all the time in the world and we could cast life's issues aside and laugh and enjoy each other's company; but life, old age and sickness have gotten in the way. I wish I could take her away, protect her and care for her in her late years as she did for me when I was young, but it's not to be.

My mother met us in British Columbia and probably one of the most difficult things I realized was that my mother is an alcoholic. I've know for some years now that she's a full-fledged, all be it functioning alcoholic, however the true realization came to me this last visit. Two things, first, she has probably been an alcoholic almost my entire life, that was hard but it explains a lot of things, second and the hardest part, is that she is so fully engrossed in her disease that she no longer exists; the person, spirit, soul, entity that was the essential "her" is gone or at least buried so deep that she can longer been seen. There is a shell that lives on and functions on a certain level, but that emotional being is not able to come to the surface anymore, she has drown, she is probably gone and so I am tied to a being that has sunk. It's like walking around with an emotional anchor tied to my leg, pulling me down and under in sickness and despair. It's horrible.

But wait it gets better worse.

We experience a family tragedy and someone dear to us is gone which carries me to my other home in Prince Edward Island. This event brings me to a place I have been avoiding, I get to encounter my other parent who is also a full-fledged functioning non-drinking alcoholic who has not dealt with his own issues surrounding his disease and whom I have not seen or spoken to in almost exactly seven years.

I am filled with angst, what will our first encounter be like? What will he do? How will I respond? We cross paths, he looks surprised, holds out his arms and says "Welcome home". How can I be a bitch? Especially at this time when everyone is in so much pain. We embrace. He looks old and tired. I guard my heart. We spend our time avoiding each other, it's slightly uncomfortable but I can live with that. We are all busy with grief and caring for those who are more crushed than we are; it's neither the time nor the place to be selfish and deal with things.

He cries as he holds me deep in his grief and loss of a loved one, "Let this be a new start for us, please", he begs. I hold my heart still, can I trust, can I believe? A small fraction of light enters my heart, maybe... thump-thump, maybe, thump-thump, my throat closes the darkness enters and my head says NO!!!! I say nothing. We spend the rest of the day not talking about the very large elephant in the middle of the room. We chat about the mundane things of life with others around us so it's not too uncomfortable; he seems to know all about my life. We don't mention my children whom he has never met except briefly as he shows me the cottage he built for us, "The boys can play down in the basement when they come, we can build a room down here", he says as he shows me around, "It's very nice", I mumble.

It's time for him to go; he will call me as soon as he gets back. Thump-thump, thump-thump. My head was right, he never called.